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Stressed, Depressed, and In Debt

Aug. 28th, 2013 | 06:52 am

I just want to fucking cry.

We make to much money to qualify for any type of help anymore but the Hubs doesn't make enough to pay all the bills.  And we have just basic bills,  rent, utilities, car insurance, phone/cable.  We own no cell phones, and no credit cards.   Actually that's not true,  we can pay the bills just as long as we buy nothing new, go no where other than work and the grocery store once a week and pretty much plan to eat nothing but ramen and peanut butter sandwiches.


And I'm going to bitch right here.  The girls and I would be fine.  We can eat fairly cheap. The majority of my budget goes to feed my picky ass husband who when he is home for any stretch of time eats like there is no tomorrow.  For example, as of Saturday, I bought four 12pks of 7-up, and only he drinks that brand.  I might have A single can.  As of 11 p.m. Tuesday night he'd drank an entire 12pk and half of another one.  Plus today he finished the beef and noodles and trust me there was a sizable serving left, he ate a box of french bread pizza at 6pm, and 10pm he ate 2 cans of Overstuffed Ravioli.  Now do you see why I'm always broke?

This morning at 5:45 a.m. he informs me that the car is about out of gas and did I go put some in last night?  Welllll.... noooo because he never told  me he was out.  He drives the damn thing every day but I'm always the one putting gas in it.

He wont' stay on top of the medicine he needs to keep him alive

I'm just frustrated.
I feel like I have no where to turn.
No one to talk with that will take my side.
I'm sitting in this dark and empty house crying my eyes out.

I'm scared for my kids.   My Princess.   So beautiful and smart but so shy and lazy.  She's had a speech impediment for years and the therapist says she can talk correctly she just chooses not too.  What is her life going to be like?  I can't make her speak so others understand.  I'm trying to push her to Vocational School because I can't see her going to college. Not that she isn't smart enough to do it but she doesn't have the drive and ambition to work for it.

Then there is Imp.  Scary smart and as lonely as her sister.  She's a ball of insecurity.  She wants to be a psychologist but has problems making friends.  She's quirky and marches to her own beat and that puts her out of step with her peers.

I'm lost.
So lost.

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changing me

Nov. 16th, 2011 | 01:45 am
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: NCIS

These past few years have forced me to change in ways I've never imagined. 

As I sit here the biggest change I've noticed is how I eat.  I no longer guzzle pop all day.  I drink a can or two and maybe once in a blue moon three cans in a given day.  I get ice from the Speedway in this huge mug and eat it like it's going out of style.  Bad for my teeth but it fills me up and satisfies my oral fixation.  I don't eat as much as I used too.  I used to get a value meal and a extra sandwich.  Now I just get the meal or two small sanwiches not the bigger ones..  (a McDouble and a Chicken instead of Quarter Pounder and Nuggets) and if I eat that then I'm full for a whole day.  I don't sit and eat almost a whole bag of chips.  I have some and put it away.  Once in a while I'll still go on a candy binge and Red Vines make me pig out but I've gotten better at moderation. I don't automatically have two helping at a meal.  I eat a little bit of everything and wait twenty minutes.  If  I am still hungry I go back for seconds but most times I find that I'm full. Cakes, cookies, and pies... small servings please and I find that I'm drawn more to lemon than chocolate.

Another positive is that I've gotten closer to my mom.  We still disagree A LOT but when we fell back down the financial mountain again last winter she really came through for us. I spent a lot of time hanging out at my mom's just talking because I could not afford to do anything else. On her part it helped a lot that everytime that she needed to help me it was always less than she expected. We struggled hard.  This year things are going better. Not great but better.  Car repairs have tapped us and stressed us beyond belief but we are muddling through it.

I've found that when it comes to my family there isn't anything that I won't do for them. I found myself doing things I will never tell another living soul.  And I also found out who my real friends and family were.  Friends that I helped when it was to my detriment, turned their backs on me. People that I weren't really close too reached out and helped in ways that were beyond generous. I saw the milk of human kindness flow from founts never before noticed. I'm trying to be a better person and a friend than I was.

I daydream.. but not like I used too.  I still get lost in my stories.  I have no social life beyond my immediate family.  No money means I don't go and do. It's not just the money for the outing... it's what to wear to the outing, because if it's not sweats and one of the hubs t-shirts I can't go. I bought a shirt at halloween to go with a new pair of pants, that was the first new thing I had bought clothing wise in a year. 

But I have wonderful children.  I know each parent thinks their kids are pretty special, but mine blow me away.  My oldest ....  Princess is so shy and quiet but somehow mathmatically and artistically gifted.  Her crafts are always getting shown off in the school display case. I have no clue what she'll be when she grows up.  Part of me fears for her the most. So trusting, so naive, so generously good-hearted, I fear some boy will finally sweep her off her feet, right into bed, and knocked up at sixteen despite my sex talks.  I know I should have faith and trust but she's so damn pretty and loving.     Imp.. I just stand back and watch in awe that this marvelous creature came from me.  So bright, so loving, generous, smarter than I am.. just outstanding....  yet so tenderhearted,  crushed so easily by the mean kids who don't understand her. Mouthy.. my goddess the child can yammer and smart off.  Off the wall, rude, strong willed, but sensitive.

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It's Friday Night....

May. 22nd, 2010 | 12:04 am
location: The to short comp chair
mood: chipperchipper
music: none cuz the headphones are broke.


And how did I spend this rainy Friday night?  My Mommy came and picked up me and the Sprogs and we spent the evening over their eating pizza and watching Avatar.   Got to say that this movie lived up to it's visual hype.  I'd have been happy to mute the sound and just sat and looked at the pretty pictures.  It must have been stunning in 3D, but I'm a cheap bitch and I refuse to pay for it.

Not really much going on in our lives. I've decided to try and pick up a babysitting job. But I want older kids or just one young one. I have no clue how much to charge though.  Any body got any suggestions?

Much Love

Lessa


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Life Changing Events

May. 17th, 2010 | 02:31 pm
location: Comp Room
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: blessed silence


Well since I've update last there has been a whole series of Life Changing Events going on.   The DH changed jobs to a lower paying *scary* job but it has the potential to do more for him in the long run. He likes it so far but is grumbling like a Fat Kid in a Health Food Store right because they've forced him to 2nd Shift until the end of June to cover some goof ball's vacation. I remind him constantly that AT LEAST IT'S NOT WALMART!!!  That usually shuts him up.

Next on the list is the fact that we finally gave up the ghost on keeping our house and moved.  Yes, it went up for sale at Sheriff's auction and we moved into a rental.  It's not a bad place and my family has been super generous in helping with the move and finding new stuff for the house. It's honestly in a better neighborhood. The girls didn't have to change schools, though I wish they would get out more and find friends in the area. There is a little girl Imp's age and grade next door but it turns out they are bitter enemies... just our luck. I actually have to spend most of tonight going around and really straightening and cleaning tonight. We've promised ourselves and open door policy here. We want family and friends to visit so that means we need to keep it neat. Now if I could just get the rest of this mad bunch to follow suit.........

Next on the life changing events... my last grandmother passed away the day before her 76th birthday. I have extremely mixed emotions about it as well.  We knew that she had breast cancer and she had wanted to let it go and die a natural death but my Aunts didnt' like that idea and pushed for treatment.  The treatment is what killed her. I have no doubts in my mind. Once she started them her old body couldn't take it and she was dead within less than a month's time. She also, it seems, in retaliation for cleaning up after her natural kids and grandkids; didn't leave any kind of Will.  Which if you've ever been in that situation means a nasty mess. I don't expect anything. Don't really want anything. But I do believe that all the stuff that belonged to my great-grandparents should go to my mom and her brothers.  Her kids don't deserve the right to them. They weren't MY GRANDFATHER'S natural kids.  And I know I shouldn't split things that way but believe me despite towing the party line while alive once grandpa died the line was drawn and enforced.  I've said it on here before that my Grandpa would be appalled at the way his great grand kids were ignored in favor of hers.

On a happier front and yet still a life changing event.  We finally got high-speed internet and I got on Facebook after much prodding. So far I don't see what the big freaking deal is about Facebook but I love the fast downloads of HighSpeed..

That's it for now.  I'm heading back into the fic world for a bit.

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Inflammatory Topic

Aug. 29th, 2009 | 05:41 am


Now I've got something to say that might piss some people off but I was reading a fic and the author made a statement that grated on me.

Just because someone is Pro-Choice doesn't mean that they'd get an abortion.  In my opinion, pro-choice means it's up to the woman to decide what is right and wrong for her physically, mentally, morally, and emotionally.   I've known people who have had it done.  Sometimes I've ageed with their actions because I think they did it for the right reasons, and some times I've disagreed because I believe it was done for the wrong reasons.

It is not an action I could ever see myself taking no matter what the reason.  But I believe that it is MY choice to decide that. 

Choice means you can say no and stand behind it because it's what is right for your beliefs.
Choice means you can say yes and stand behind it because it's what is right for your beliefs.

Free Will baby, It's what makes us different from all the other animals on the planet.

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Wishes

Aug. 19th, 2009 | 10:46 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: rain on the roof

You know my Princess asked me tonight what I would do if I had three wishes. I gave her some standard blow off type answers that didn't really require much thought.  But as I was reading a story just now, the author described a picture that a character drew and that is what inspires this first wish.

I wish I could draw.  I could see the picture she was describing, the technique used, I could visually picture ever stroke on the page and it saddens me greatly to know that I could never translate that to paper.  I realized this in seventh grade that I while I had vision I did not have the talent.  And what killed me the most is that my table mate had the talent but not the vision.  She could draw beautifully, wonderfully, and had not a drop of creativity to her.  Whenever an assignment was handed out I could see everything, create wonderful mental images and had no way to translate it into a visual media.   So yes, if I could wish for anything else in the world it would be the ability to draw.

I wish I had better taste.  What do I mean by that?  I wish I could appreciate the taste of other foods.  Watching Food Network is so frustrating to me because I see all these gorgeous dishes with exotic foods and know that I don't like the taste of 98% of what goes into them.  I do try new foods all the time and have had very little success finding things I like.  I know a lot of people tell me to diet and eat right.  Part of my problem is that I don't like the foods I need to eat. Never have. It all looks wonderful and tasty until I put it in my mouth and then turn around and gag it right back out.  And it's not just food it's beverages too.   Wines, teas, coffees, and all that jazz just turn nasty in my mouth. They smell sooo good that it makes my mouth water and then it hits the tongue.... *sad pout*

My third wish... well that I'm undecided on yet.  What would really be meaningful to me?  When I figure it out I'll let you know ;)

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To Beg or Not to Beg

Jul. 13th, 2009 | 04:02 am
location: Unemployment land
mood: bitchybitchy
music: Rob Zombie

To beg or not to beg.. that is the question.

What am I begging for you ask?  Well I got D-Day'd at work last night. Basically that means that I have to write a one page letter about what I did wrong, promise never to do it again, and beg like hell to keep my job.

Yeah... uhhh despite this bad economy I don't fucking think so.  I have enough cross section of skills that I'm going to look for something someplace else.  Because I refuse to get fired for doing what half a dozen other employees do.  Honestly I think part of it is because I'm one of the highest paid non-management employees on our shift.  I've been with Walmart less than 2 yrs and there is a guy who's been there 5 and is just now making what I make.  And we're the same pay grade.  If they fire me they can bring in someone else and pay them $2 an hour less then what I was making.  Considering how things are going for our store it's not surprising that they are trying  weed out what they can.  At least that's how I'm rationalizing it.  

You know what my major mistake was that they are firing me for?  I was reading on the clock.  Did I get my job done? Was my dept neat?  yep.  But I was reading therefore I'm a bad employee. 

I was really upset at the start of the night but now, other than having to tell my mother, I actually feel a bit relieved. I needed to find something that would better fit our lifestyle especially with school coming up around the corner.  I just have to get a new cellphone and get my resume out and I'll probably have a job before to long.  I'm versatile so I have more options.  I don't mind working at a gas station or cashiering at a grocery store.  I've got office skills, and I've worked in a factory. I can do just about anything really as long as I can make about 9 and hour we'll be ok.


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It's been 9 weeks really?

Mar. 15th, 2009 | 04:02 pm
location: uncomfortable desk chair
mood: tiredtired
music: Strawberry shortcake theme


*scratches head*  Well according to LJ it's been nine weeks since I've posted last.  It's been a very very long nine weeks.

Right about Xmas time I discovered the Princess had head lice.  If you've ever had to deal with the little buggers you'd know how persistant they are. Sad to say we're still fighting a daily war with them.  I've wore bedding out treating it.  My Sprogs are resigned to getting checked the minute they walk through the door.  You see after all this time we've established that it's coming from the school and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  All I can do is check the little dears every day and deal with it as it happens.

Our heat has gone out.  Not sure why.  We have steam heat so you'd think it'd be the boiler but that's not the case because we still have hot water.  I think it's this boiler tank thingy that went out some years before but I'm not sure.  We've been using some room heaters to take the chill off things.  Thank the goddess Spring is nearly here so we can shut down the heat until I can get my uncle to come and look at it.  Since he jury rigged it when he installed it the first two time no licensed plumber will touch it without a ton of money that we don't have.

Going to go get new glasses tomorrow. I've noticed that the bridge of my glasses are cracked and are about to break completely in half.  I hate eye exams.

Imp has been attending church.  Being vaguely pagan I only have an issue with it when she wants to preach to me but I'm being tolerant.  She finds comfort in it and who am I to deny her something that is completely her own?

Still currently an Evil Empire drone but I've switched around from being a stocker drone to a cashier drone. Not really that much different.  I do get to fill in for Electronics on the regulare lady's night off.  It's a lot of work but great fun.  And I really really really want her job when she quits, but I doubt I get it.  Turns out that Write Up I got for attendance stays on my record for a year and since the Overnight Elec Assoc is  two pay grades up I don't qualify.  But to be honest I can't see anyone else wanting it except one other dude and he's an iffy. So fingers crossed because the current lady is ready to walk out the door once she finds something in her field.

The DH is still working with me and it's a struggle to be honest.  He has NO tolerance for their BS whatsoever.  And there just isn't any other job for him to be able to walk out.  They want to move him to the backroom because he really is an excellent worker.  He may have a piss poor attitude about a lot of things but he works his ass off especially if you just let him be. He doesn't need babysat to do his job which is rare in this business.  But he has real issues with the favoritism and the crappy policies that are in place which hold him back.  Nothing to be done though he just has to suck it up and deal and it's not going so well.

Well it's after 4 pm which means it's past my bed time.
 night.

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Survived the Hols.. hooray for me!

Jan. 5th, 2009 | 02:36 pm
mood: lethargiclethargic
music: Iko Iko by the Belle Stars


So here it as after the first of the year and I have survived the hoidays.   For anyone who has never worked retail the weeks leading up to Xmas/New Year are extremely stressing.  As stated before I work for the Evil Empire. Even they are feeling the crunch of this horrible economy.  So in an effort to cut costs they upped our workload but reduced manhours.  Yeah we're all pretty pissed off and overworked.  So when I was offered the opportunity to jump ship from Stocker Girl to Cashier Girl I jumped on it with both feet.  Of course the Boyscout Bossman (man will ask you do 5 different things and then do 3 of them himself because you're not going fast enough)  was dumb enough to ask me about switching on a night we're I had to but away half of grocery by myself.  Needless to say, I couldn't say yes fast enough; especially when I was told I'd get to cover electronics on the regular woman's nights off.   I'm bucking for that department when the current lady is ready to leave. Not only is it a fairly cookie job but it's also two pay grades higher. 

Speaking of money, the DH found out that he's going to get a very small COL raise because the Evil Empire did him out of 90-day raise.  Plus I'm not going to lose any money for switching job positions so yeah me! 

Got a new Computer for Xmas.  Gramps sent us a lovely check so we decided that we needed a new family computer.  Got a very nice eMachine at work for under $400 because the box was damanged.  Not a piece of it was touched but there was a big hole in the box so they dropped the price an extra $50 bucks.  It's got a huge screen but Vista is taking a while to get used too.  When the Bested Buddy moves in next door she's going to let us mooch off of her highspeed.  *drools*

I've been sucked into RedBox.  If you don't know what that is, it's video rental box that rents dvds by the day for a $1.00.  It's been a great way to test drive movies before we buy them.

I am major tired but I have to wait up and go over the girls' hair again.  Found head lice Saturday so I've spent hours going through hair.  Neither me or the DH have it but Princess had it really really bad so she's had to have had it for well over a week.  Even Imp had some but neither one had an itchy head.  Go figure.

Going to go play with the layouts now.  I've had a plain purple one since I started.  Going to go see what else is offered.   Ta for now.

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Countdown to Xmas

Dec. 1st, 2008 | 05:57 pm
location: cuddled in chair
music: whining children


Well folks it's that time of year again.

Working for the Evil Empire (Walmart) I have survived my second Black Friday as a worker and not a shopper. It was not as fun this year as it was last year due to some piss poor scheduling on managements part causing us to rush and stock a medium size grocery truck in about four hours.  Not fun folks.

On a happier and brighter note,  with a few dips and bobbles the DH and I have gotten out from under our crushing repayment plan and starting January we're back to a normal house payment.  I have noticed that I still suck and planning and we blow way to much money on incidentals. But I'm working hard to overcome my bad habits. 

I"ve started shopping for the Sprogs. They want lots of odd and ends little things this year.  Neither of them asked for a really big toy. All they want is to not get clothes.  I think I can handle that. No clue what to get the DH.  Can't really swing what I'd like to get him (it's a certain gaming station).  But I plan on seeing what I can do.  Personally I want a new computer.  Anyone know the best time of year to buy one? Cuz the one I"m using now sucks on power.  It's slow as shit and I have to reboot it damn near after the anit-virus updates because it's to much for the system to handle. 

Anywho.  Happy Holidays to all.  I"m off to terrorize my Sprogs.  Told them they had to clean the living room if they wanted the tree up this weekend.

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